How To Clean Things Properly (From Gym Bags To Headphones)

It takes a lot for me to want to clean. A very interesting podcast or a very loud Beyoncé track can usually coax me into it, but most of the time it evolves into a long thoughtful tea break for the former, or a very strenuous dance routine for the latter. In my experience, cleaning and commitment just don’t agree.

But that could also have something to do with the fact that there’s a lot of stuff I don’t know. When it gets down to sorting out stuff that seems un-cleanable (vomit, red wine, my yoga mat), I’m stumped.

Never fear, because the internet’s certified Clean Person is here! Jolie Kerr, the eponymous Clean Person, uses her powers to elicit some helpful, non-judgemental and hilarious advice to those of us (me, probably you) who haven’t got much of a clue.

Here are 10 of our favourite Ask A Clean Person columns that’ll make you go from “Ahh, I don’t want to do this” to “I got this”.

1 / 10

If you need to get the yellow out of your pits

Nothing is more alarming than a yellow stain on a white shirt. Allow Jolie to walk you through the do’s (vinegar, sunshine) and don’ts (bleach) of yellow pit eradication so you never have to open the machine with shame again.

2 / 10

If you need to give your gym bag and yoga mat a bath

Do you ever wonder what happens when you sweat all over your yoga mat through your sweaty yoga gear/gym gear and stuff all that sweat into your gym bag? Bacteria! That’s what happens!

3 / 10

If you’re not motivated to make your bed

We’ve written before about how making your bed sets you up for the day, but having it come from a certified Clean Person makes it so much more legit.

4 / 10

If you thought cleaning headphones was impossible

Going ahead and buying a new set of headphones is not the answer.


5 / 10

If you want to knock over five cleaning projects in 15 minutes

A guide to getting organised for the time sensitive and easily distracted (check and check).

6 / 10

If you’re unsure how often and how to clean your bra

If you’re one of the people who didn’t know you even had to do this that often or for those who need a little guidance on the matter, read through. There’s two basic ways to give your bras a proper clean.

7 / 10

If you need help cleaning that bathroom of yours

Bathrooms are notoriously annoying to clean and once you’ve finished, you smell like bleach, the kind that feels like it’ll never wash away. I mean, it will, but those couple of hours feel endless.

8 / 10

If you have gross, smelly feet

A small part of all of us has a Frank Costanza-esque shame of our foot hygiene. Just click through for the sake of your partner. We don’t judge.

9 / 10

If you have an awful, neglected oven

The sad, sad reality of ovens is that while they are the gateway from which grilled cheeses emerge, they can all too quickly become scorched filth dens. You need to know how to keep the relationship with your oven on good terms.

10 / 10

If you’re clumsy with your at-home mani

Nail polish is the most irritating beauty product to clean. Surprisingly, you don’t need to reach for the nail polish remover first.

I hope these help, filth monsters.

Josephine is a writer from western Sydney who likes to blatantly lie on her bios. She played the youngest sister in 80s sitcom Family Ties and looks fantastic running with a backpack on.