All My Friends Are On Holiday In Italy. This Is How I’m Coping.

All my friends are in Italy and I am very jealous. My feed is saturated with social posts of Amalfi Coast sunsets, Sicilian swimming spots, spritz, pizza, pasta and gelato. Basta! I have had a good long think about how I can avoid going insane with gelosia. That’s ‘jealous’ in Italian. Clearly doing well so far.

I figure that it’s futile to try and not think about being on an Italian holiday, so in the spirit of leaning in, I have come up with some tips for recreating Italy at home!

#1 Get a spritz in your hand

Three parts Prosecco, two parts Aperol, one part soda and four parts resentment is all it takes to get the party started with this classic Italian aperitivo cocktail. Pop in a slice of orange to be really fancy and before you know it you’ll be fully spritzed.

#2 It’s all about snacks

Do you even know what aperitivo means?! No Italian would ever drink on an empty stomach, it’s practically sacrilege. Italians believe that the appetite is stimulated by eating, so to really get in the mood for food, you need to eat pre-food food. Italy forever <3

Need snack ideas? This is where you pull out your deli meats like salami and prosciutto, grilled veggies like eggplant and zucchini, Sicilian olives (is there any other olive option?!) and cheeses. You might even whack on some melba toasts for a real festa, or create more solid dishes like Caprese salad, a range of simple pastas or bruschetta. Just remember not to over season your dishes as the salt content will vary depending on how much you’re openly weeping into the food.

#3 Have a pizza party!

Once you get to dinner stage, it’s time to ditch the spritz. Its bitter nature means it’ll get your digestive juices flowing, so Italians only drink it when they want to stimulate their appetite. (Tip: Negronis are a classic, too. Campari is even bitterer). If you’re like me and your appetite definitely does not need any help being stimulated, this simply means you should spritz before a meal (now known as aperitivo hour, per favore) and move onto other beverages at dinner, such as wine.

The best part of being on a real and/or fake Italian holiday is the food. And the king of food is pizza. You will get extra points for making the pizza from scratch, although the points mean nothing because no one cares what you’re doing at home while they’re all on Capri eating burrata off the abs of a Versace model. But pizza tastes good!

#4 Talk with your hands a lot

Life is about love and passion! Good food and drink! It’s a cause to celebrate, so you should gesture wildly to communicate this fact. This way, pizza is not just pizza, it’s PIIIIIZZAAAA!

While you have only taken care of the food and drink portion of these reasons to live, don’t let it get you down – you should still amp up your gesturing for authenticity’s sake. If you accidentally knock over someone’s glass at the dinner table, quietly ignore how the spilled beverage perfectly symbolises the mess your life has become.

#5 Listen to the Master of None Season 2 soundtrack and dance around your living room

Italian’s don’t stuff themselves so full that they go into a food coma; they have stamina. They can hit up a full aperitivo buffet, savour bottles of wine, and down a whole pizza (plus gelato or an affogato) then head out for a night of dancing. You don’t even need a disco night to go to, channel Aziz Ansari and Alessandra Mastronardi from Master of None in your lounge room.

You’ll be twisting your hips to lyrics like “We’re living like in a Dolce Vita/ Mmm, gonna dream tonight,” so close your eyes and let the hypocrisy wash over you like waves on a pebbled beach. Whatever you do, don’t accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror.

Bonus: if you really want to make like Master of None, head to the deli section of a local Italian supermarket and before you put in your order, yell, “ALLORA!”

#6 Buy a blue and white striped umbrella and Instagram the crap out of it at the beach

You need to wind down the day after your buona sera, so it’s imperative that you recover by laying out by the sea. But you can forget Positano – we’ve got spots like Bondi and Cottesloe! It’s basically the same temperature and we’re in winter, right guys?!

Try and match your beach towel to your umbrella to be super chic. Place your sunglasses and book strategically on the towel, and frame your shot with the blue ocean in the background to really nail that holiday vibe. This way, no one will ever know how unhappy you truly are.

Sonia was the Founding Editor of The Cusp. You can find her on Instagram @sonnietothetee